Dear Josh,
I was reminded of one of our sadder events.
I think it was just a few weeks after J died. You were distraught and traumatised. We were watching you closely.
I had just come home from work and stepped into the shower. Jess knocked on my bathroom door a few minutes later in a panic. You had said you were going for a walk and had walked out of the home before anyone could stop you. Jess was terrified. I quickly came out of the shower and got dressed. Tun, Jess and I ran out of the house to look for you, but we had no idea where to look. You could have gone to any of the blocks in our condo. I can’t remember if we already had “find my phone” installed.
The 3 of us went in different directions hoping to spot you. I think it was about 20 minutes, but it felt like an hour. Eventually we found you sitting in a remote corner of the condo, on the pavement and on the roadside. You looked so forlorn. I was worried seeing Jess and Tun would upset you further, so I told them both to go home. I apprehensively went to you and sat next to you quietly. I don’t remember what we spoke about. I was trying to keep it light-hearted. Eventually you agreed to walk back with me.
When we got home, we were all afraid to upset you further, so we didn’t speak to each other. Each of us just went into our own rooms.
The next day Jess and I met nearby for lunch. That was the first time we were able to debrief and talk about what had happened. It was also the first time we realised that at some point, we were going to lose you to suicide. We both sobbed uncontrollably in the cafe, and then had to just wipe our eyes and return to work and home.
Did you know any of this Josh? Did you know how we worried nearly everyday that this would happen? I guess we didn’t worry enough on the day itself. Sigh.
Lately it just feels like something is terribly missing. As the day ends, it feels like I’m supposed to call Jess and you to check on both of you. And then your part is missing….
Love Mum
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