Dear Josh,
I read a post from a mother in TCF. In it, she mentioned that she looked at pictures of herself before and after her child’s passing, and she could immediately tell which ones were taken after her child’s passing. She went on to say it was in her eyes. They somehow had a hollow, glassy look to them. And of course, the smile was now more of a forced smile. I get that.
Recently, I happened to glance at my image in a mirror in my office elevator. You know how I don’t usually like looking at myself. As I’m writing this, I’m thinking of how you would behave when you looked in the mirror. You would kind of tilt your head and flick the hair on your forehead. I can remember this so vividly. I hope I will never forget it. Anyway, coming back to my own image. I looked at myself and caught a glimpse of my eyes. They looked almost hollow. And definitely glassy. “It’s the age Mum”, I imagine you saying. Maybe. But it’s also the grief. It’s almost like the tears are tired of flowing and so have somehow internalised into the eyes. Yes, yes, gross, I know.
When I first shared on TCF about your passing, I shared multiple pictures of you. A random parent wrote back to me and said, “look at his eyes”. It was in the context that your eyes looked sad. I didn’t see it when you were alive. But I see it now.
I hope your eyes are back to being shiny and bright my darling.
Love Mum
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