Dear Josh,
I was watching this show that I now suddenly can’t recall the name of and there was a part that briefly discussed grief. It kind of stuck in my mind and now, in small moments, I think of it. I look at members of your family and think of this. I look at our friends and think of this. This character was telling another that it’ll get harder and harder to hold on to their lost loved one, and no matter how hard they try, they eventually have to slowly let go. I might not be paraphrasing as well as the show delivered these lines, but there was an impression of hurt if we held on.
I’m sure context would be very helpful now, but I really don’t know how I have this scene in my mind. But like I said, it’s something that I find myself thinking about nowadays. Of course, we still talk about you and think about you as much as we can, but has it subconsciously decreased? Is it really true that if we keep holding on, it’ll hurt us more than letting go? Is it unhealthy – mentally – to hold on? What is holding on, anyway? And are we subconsciously letting go because we simply cannot hold on to the memories forever?
It’s not really a spiral, these thoughts. I just can’t seem to find an answer to the main question – will we eventually let go or be forced to let go when we can’t seem to remember much anymore? I don’t revisit our memories as often as I did when you first passed. Part of me is worried that if I keep replaying some memories, I’ll forget the others. I still go back to some scenes once in a while, but the worry doesn’t dissipate. I hope I don’t forget anything about you, but I fear it is human to.
There’s this other thought that has been bouncing around my head and causing a bit of sadness. It occurred to me a few months ago when I was talking to our friend. I realized that I have now known them longer than I’ve known you. I’ve known most people in my life, including your family members, longer than I’ve known you. Sure, we might have spent more time together, if you sit down and total up the hours, but I will eventually (if I haven’t already), know them longer than I have known you. This is something that can’t be helped and something I feared to think about from the beginning.
I guess these are all hurdles we will have to cross when we get to them. I wonder if anyone else thinks about these things too.
Can’t wait to see you again. I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, and I’ll miss you more than you can imagine.
Love always,
Sha
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