Dear Josh,
There was something I put off doing for a long time after you passed. I tell myself it was one of the last things I had of you. But in all honesty, I think it was just pure procrastination.
There are many, many home videos of Jess and you. Most of them are “unwatchable”, from a time of mini-DVDs and small cassettes. Also, from sitting around in our high humidity environment, a lot of them almost look a little mouldy. H Mama on one of his visits here looked up a tech company to see if they could convert the videos. That was more than a year ago.
I finally braved it and took a couple of mini-DVDs and located this tech company. It also happens to be relatively near my new office. It was weirdly a very, very heavy feeling. I didn’t tell anyone because I thought it was quite unlikely they would be able to retrieve the videos, and I didn’t want to get everyone’s hopes up.
The initial cost quoted was already quite high. The next day, the tech guy called me to say all the files were corrupted. I tried to convince myself, “I’ve already lost so much, what’s a few more videos”. But later that night, he said he may be able to retrieve it for a much higher cost. Like almost quadruple. Worth a shot right? So I said to proceed.
A week later he called me to come pick it up. As I sat in his office, he asked me, “looks like some family videos? Your children must be all grown up now”. “Yes” I said.
He opened each file and showed me a few seconds from each video. The quality was crystal clear. I was afraid I would start crying there so I rushed it and thanked him, making the final, very expensive payment. As I left, he asked me how old my children are. Expected I guess.
This post is already quite long, so I will write more about the videos in my next post. I will say though, like I said to Jess and Aunty K, I had forgotten what you were like before the illness took over your life. It felt like 2 totally different people. But Josh, one thing is certain. How much you were loved. There is no question about it. And for that, I am eternally grateful and happy. If only that love was enough to keep you with us.
Love Mum
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