Dear Josh,
The first birthday present I remember buying you was the two gold fish. Do you remember them? The fat, shiny fish with bulging eyes?
I was personally ecstatic with this present. I was pretty sure I’d nailed my older sister duties with this one. What else would a fish obsessed 4-year-old want?
This enthusiasm lasted all the way to when I gave you the first. They were in a glass bowl with multi coloured stones on the bottom. I’m fairly certain a photo exists of this.
We went for your birthday lunch, but when we came back, something was different. One fish was missing. I almost felt like I was hallucinating. And then (I think) our helper at the time told Mum that one fish ate the other.
The funniest part of this is that I don’t remember your reaction. I only remember mine – wailing and crying as if it were my fish that had cannibalised each other. I assume you were upset too, of course.In true our family fashion, we bought you another fish to replace the one that had become fish food.
This was the first of a long line of pets you had. But I think the first pet that was truly yours was Cadbury. And then of course Knight, but Cadbury was always your first.
I have a huge fear about the day Caddy isn’t here any more. I know that just means he’s moved to where he should be – next to you. But he’s a tangible reminder of you.
Then again, nothing will ever be as bad as losing you. And there is comfort to be taken in that we’ll all end up in the same place anyways, even if the arrival times are different.
Missed you even more than normal this week. Dissociating and compartmentalising are useful skills. More useful are family and friends who keep us going.
Love,
Acca
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