Dear Josh,
A reel came up on my TikTok yesterday. It was from a mother who had just lost her 22 year old son to suicide. Her son’s name is Joshua.
I followed her and saw some of her other videos. In one of these videos, she talks about the many things she did to protect her son. It’s kind of bizarre. I always thought we had done anything and everything to protect you, and this often gives me comfort. When I watched this video though, I felt somehow inadequate.
After an incident, her son’s bedroom no longer had a door. The only privacy he had was when he used the bathroom. I’m not sure if we should have done this. I guess more importantly, I don’t think you would have tolerated it.
She was the one who handed the various medications to her son. He was not allowed to take it himself. I didn’t do this, especially after you turned 18. I used to hide some of your medications, especially those I knew would cause harm if taken in large quantities. But this stopped as I thought you were better.
She even hid her own chronic medications and took them out with her when she went out. I recalled an incident when I had gone to the supermarket and when I came home, I could see that you had opened all the drawers and cupboards, and had even forced open one of the locked drawers.
I think this one was the part that got me the most. She had to involuntarily admit her son. As he refused to be admitted, it resulted in 2 ambulances and 5 police cars with their personnel to get him to the required treatment. Should I have done this?
It is quite sad how so many parents and relatives have had to do and go through so much to keep their loved ones safe. It truly consumes you. I don’t think anyone will understand it unless they’ve gone through it themselves. More importantly, it opens our minds a bit more to how despite everything that can be done, sometimes the end is just inevitable.
There will never be a day when we don’t question if we should have done more. I don’t know if you feel the same way too.
Love Mum
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