Dear Josh,
Thank you for the wait! Part Two is here, haha. I’ll give you a quick recap, since you might have boyfriend memory. I went for dinner and dessert with Dr K and L, and we had lovely conversations that were meaningful and heartfelt and I had a good time. At one point, Dr K asks us how we’ve been doing, and I give her an honest answer.
I paused for a bit, because I wanted to think about how I could accurately articulate my thoughts. I can’t exactly remember word-for-word what I said, but her follow-up question was what surprised me. My honest answer was, “I feel like the first year of grief was harder, obviously, than this year. I have been doing a lot of reflecting and I feel like that has helped me manage the grief better and I’m at a comfortable space with it. I’ve been focusing on improving myself and maybe that has distracted me? I’m sad, but I’m also finding ways to feel joy and make meaning from the little things, if that makes sense. I feel like it’s getting better, grief-wise. Although I will say, I’m not sure if I’m managing it or being completely avoidant and it might all come crashing down one day, but so far I think I am coping. I guess we will find out at the end of the year.”
Dr K’s encouragement and heartfelt response to my honest answer was sweet. She seemed really glad that I was doing okay. Her next question surprised me, and I still don’t think I know the exact answer. She asked me how I did it. It was a genuine question, I could feel that. She really wanted to know how I managed to cope thus far; what I did to help myself. And honestly, I was drawing a blank. I did many things this year to cope and better myself, but I can’t be sure what actually helped.
My answer was what first came to mind, and what I felt really helped with my self-improvement. I told her that I did a lot of reflecting, and I tried to find little things in each day to get me through the day – especially when I was struggling to get through each day. I remember living day-by-day in the initial stages of grief, how hard that was. I showed her some of my reflections and thoughts and explained to her that it’s truly nothing. Sometimes I write about grief, sometimes I don’t. My thoughts can go from, “Today I saw a fat pigeon that was really cute, and Caddy was sitting like a good boy, and I played a word game with my dad,” to “Today I missed Josh more than usual and I don’t understand why I have to go through this when others are allowed to be happy. Am I not meant to be happy?” I said that I don’t restrict my thoughts, I just let them flow the way they do. But because I have so many that come at such a constant and fast speed, I have to write to get them out. I told her I felt like I might lose my mind if I kept them all in my head – both the light and heavy ones. And I do feel the relief from getting them out. She said she’d try that, and I hope it works for her.
I also told her that I used to reflect very intensely, daily. Like, genuinely, finding things in my day to get me through or staring at the ceiling for a couple of minutes a day. I tried to find beauty in life, to remind myself that there is more than sadness – a cute pigeon, a pretty flower, a late bus… normal things that, I guess, showed me that time was passing and life could still be okay. At the stage I’m currently in, I feel a bit better at managing and regulating my emotions. So whilst I still try to find cute animals and pretty flowers, I also don’t feel the desperate need to search for them as much as I did before.
We shared about our struggles with grief – some similar, some different. Both hoping things would get better for the other. Dinner and dessert was a nice, safe space to express my thoughts and feelings. I’m very grateful for that and I hope I provided Dr K and L with a safe space too.
Who would have thought? 2024 Shalini would not have known that we’d be doing this in 2026. I don’t think 2024 Joshua thought that too. I think he’d be happy we’re still in touch with Dr K though.
I can’t wait to see you again. It’s weird. I’m not sure if it’s because the 31st just passed and it’s two more months till the 2nd year, but I miss you more than usual lately. It feels like I’m regressing a little and going back to the sad, first few phases of grief where I get teary easily. Gosh, I hope it’s not going to hit me too hard. I’m dreading the end of the year already.
I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, and I’ll miss you more than you can imagine.
Love always,
Sha
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