Dear Josh,
I’m reminded more of our loss lately. I’m not sure why or what I’m doing differently, but I think it might have something to do with the end of the year. I now wonder if my methods of coping with grief have really just been avoidance in disguise. Let’s hope not, for my sake.
I read a quote that provided a nice perspective. Arguably, it is about perspective. “Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it.” This one’s by Hellen Keller. I think it’s quite a popular quote actually, I reckon you know it.
This quote made me think about you, kind of. I thought about how most things in life are merely a matter of perspective. It’s something I’ve been trying to learn – to take new perspectives of a situation and see things from different points of views. Oftentimes we get caught up in our side of things and forget that there are many sides to many things. I believe perspective comes from empathy too. Trying to learn more of that as well.
This quote made me think of you because I then thought that sometimes when people are in the “bads”, they forget the “goods”. I thought of everyone struggling with their mental health, difficult thoughts, and tough situations. When we’re so caught up in the bad, it’s hard to look and focus on the good. I wonder if that’s what you struggled with a lot of the times.
I think we might have spoken about this. I’ve tried, countless times, to convince you to look forward to the good times that will come. To look at the things that have happened to you from the perspective of having overcome them, not suffered. At the height of your bad thoughts, that was very difficult. You described dead ends, as if all that’s in front of you is bad. I couldn’t get you to look at things from another perspective – I’m not sure there might be one, I have to admit.
I think your words were, “it’s like beating one cancer to find out you have another”. That was on the 25th. I think you said it over video call and I was trying to keep from crying because my family was in the room. I could sense your despair and distress. I felt helpless. It felt endless for you, didn’t it? I tried to turn this into, “yeah, but you beat it once, you can do it again!” Futile effort. Even typing it out now sounds stupid. I couldn’t think of anything else. Forgive me.
I don’t think I was very good at helping you. There’s guilt there too. I wish I had the knowledge I have now. I wish I was better at helping you during the tough times and better at convincing you of the good.
Can’t wait to see you again. I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, and I’ll miss you more than you can imagine.
Love always,
Sha
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