Dear Josh,
My drive to work has increased since I moved to my new office. I know I shouldn’t complain. From 10 minutes, it’s become 15 minutes. But after a decade of 10 minutes, it does feel longer.
I’ve tried a few different things to occupy my mind space while driving to work. Music was one. Weirdly, it made me feel sadder. Some days I listen to your songs. Some days I listen to Shalini and Lynn’s podcasts. Some days I listen to an audiobook. Lately though, I’m not listening to anything. It’s just me and my thoughts, which frequently is about you. And so, there is a lot of silence. Even when there’s traffic and my journey extends to close to an hour, it’s still in silence.
I’m also reminded of our many car journeys. When it was just you and me in the car, it would ALWAYS be your music. It wouldn’t be in silence. Many days we would be talking about different things. But many days, it would also be in silence. A half an hour journey could be in silence, with neither of us talking. Usually I would try to ask a few questions. With your monosyllabic answers, I would quickly get the hint. It used to upset me so much. In fact, many days I would feel like why I was bothering.
I wish I had understood you more. There are things we all understand more now. Too late I guess. Like Shalini mentioned, would things have changed if we knew what you were going through better, and if we knew what to say to you? I still don’t think so. Somehow, I know this is the trajectory that would have taken place.
For now, I will speak to you in the silence of the car. It’s kind of like just our own precious time.
Love Mum
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