I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I met two friends for dinner today (N and C). As you might recall (and as I remind you every month in case you have forgotten), I’m meeting one friend/friend group a month. It helps me stay connected with my friends and ensure that I don’t isolate myself in the midst of my grief. For some context, even though you know them, they are my friends from Polytechnic where I got my Diploma. One is a senior early childhood educator and another is getting her degree in Early Childhood Education.

It was a nice dinner and catch-up session. We spoke for hours (as we usually do) and I ended the night in smiles – which was rare for this week. This week has been especially rough for me for some reason. I felt comfortable with them and could speak about you without worrying that I might make them uncomfortable. They also asked about you and our friends, which was so sweet. I tend to forget that I have such sweet friends. Sure, some might have been fair-weather friends, but I also have friends who have stuck around in my toughest years.

The last time I met N and C was in October of 2024. Since then, C has gotten a boyfriend, so I was expecting our conversations to be about that – which I absolutely didn’t mind. I think I’ve reached the stage where I can be happy for others. Besides, this is a dear friend so even if I had not reached that stage, I would have been happy for her. I was really excited to hear about her relationship. She talked about how they met, how they got together, and how his family and friends are like. It reminded me of us. In October of 2024, I met them for dinner and they asked about you. I had posted pictures of us on social media, so I knew the conversation and subsequent questions would come up. Back then, I did the same thing C did today. I talked about how we met, what you’re like, what your family is like, etc.

At one point in the October 2024 dinner, I confessed to N and C that I was actually really nervous to talk about us because I was worried that something bad might happen to us. This was me being paranoid – nothing was wrong at that time and you were actually out with your friends (S and M) on the same night. If I recall correctly, C asked me why I didn’t text them to tell them about you and I. My exact words of worry were, “I don’t know! I was worried that it’s new and something might happen. Like, what if I text you guys and we break up?” Immediately N said, “That won’t happen, but if it does, you can still text us and we can talk about that too.” I remember feeling really touched when they said that. I was veryyyyyyyy shy to show pictures of you. I gushed about you going to the gym daily, eating healthy food, playing the piano brilliantly, speaking with an accent, being exceptionally smart, etc. They were very happy for me then, and I am now very happy for C (and N for her own successes).

We talked about peers our age getting married, buying apartments, and having children. Again, the conversation never felt awkward. They were speaking honestly and normally, yet remaining respectful. Once again, the whole dinner reminded me why we were friends. Of course, they were nice people or I wouldn’t have been friends with them in the first place. My friends remind me of yours. They’re all really nice and great conversationalists. It’s not easy listening to the normal lives my peers are leading, but I’m finding it in myself to be happy for others. I will always be at least a little envious, which I think is normal, but mostly happy for them.

In October 2024, I texted you after finishing my dinner with N and C and you called me to tell me you could leave your friends to take the train home with me (another good thing about living five minutes apart). I told you you didn’t have to, to enjoy your time with your friends, but you said you already had enough fun and wanted to come home with me. That made my night even better. I met you at one of the train stations and we took the train home together. You were a little tipsy from drinking with your friends and we were taking lots of pictures on the train. You told me about your friends, and I told you about mine, and showed you pictures my friends and I took. I wish I could have met up with you on the train today, or came home and called you. We would have debriefed our night and had great discussions. C says she’ll bring her boyfriend the next time we meet, and I wish you were here so I could bring you too. They are great people to converse with, I’m sure you would have enjoyed talking to them.

I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha

Funny story: I’ve gotten so used to ending your letters with “Love always” that I accidentally write that for friends too.