I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

It’s Ammamma’s birthday today. Do you remember that ‘Ammamma’ was your first word? You immediately went for the hardest family member’s name. It’s like you knew you were going to be her favourite.

Ammamma has always had a soft spot for you. I think it’s because you’re her only grandson, but also because of the roles Ammamma and Patta played in our lives. We’re closer to our grandparents than a lot of my friends are to their parents. I can’t emphasise enough how important they are to us. Almost all of our friends know Mum, but they also know Ammamma and Patta.

But because of how close we are to them, they also had front row seats to everything that happened. They were the people we called when Dad was being horrible and held us while we cried. They’re also the people who babysat and fed us when we were sick. They also had to watch helplessly with their daughter as we watched the illness take you from us.

Ammamma and Patta have always been the second phone call after Mum whenever we got good news. They celebrate our achievements like we’re their children. We got rewarded for almost everything and virtually never scolded. We never had to guess if they were proud of us. We know.

Every Saturday morning, Patta would take turns tutoring us while Ammamma fed the one on break. She also literally fed us curry and rice until we were too old because we didn’t know how to eat with our hands. I’m convinced it made the food taste better.

We both know Ammamma spoiled us the most by far. Who else would get custom 4-tier birthday cakes every single year or have their grandparents wake up at 5.30am so they could wish us in person before school? We’ve never been able to return the same level of celebration to Ammamma on her birthday. The nicest part was that it wasn’t just the big days. She somehow found ways to spoil us on normal days as well. It’s set a high standard.

I’m sure you know that we could barely acknowledge our birthdays last year. It was too painful. But we’re trying. So I’m sure you’ll be with Ammammma, especially because I am being a crapppy grandaughter by not being there. Every time she comes to our house, she still goes to your room the same way she would say hi to you before. And when she leaves, she strokes your picture in the living room like how she’d kiss you goodbye. You’ll be glad to know you’re still her favourite. Especially when she remembers how you’d say you got your curly hair from her.

Love you so much,
Acca