I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Do you remember this?

I think you were just 11 years old and studying for your PSLE. A few of our close family friends were coming over for my birthday dinner. Ammamma had coordinated all the food in pink and brown. It was so lovely.

I can’t remember what exactly had upset you. I’m not even sure if it was Dad or me. At some point, you went to Patta’s house to study with him. Later that afternoon, one of my cousins called me worried about you. You had posted a picture on Facebook with these words below, “Demons live in your head, not under your bed”. I remember calling you and asking you to please remove the post. I honestly can’t remember what your response was. But you were definitely upset.

When I told Dad about it, he made things worse. I think he was also upset that others would see it and kept telling me to make sure you removed it. I couldn’t manage him and locked myself in the bathroom. He kept screaming from outside the bathroom, “you’re the worst mother in the world”. I laugh about it now, but it was devastating then.

Hours later our friends came over. I don’t think anyone had a clue about what was going on. I remember champagne glasses clinking against each other and me thinking what the hell I was doing.

You were so upset that you didn’t want to come to the party initially. I think Patta and you had a chat and you then decided to come home, mainly for me. When you did, you were pleasant and lovely to our guests, and sweet to me too.

It’s stupid that at the time, we were more concerned about who saw the post. We should have tried to understand more about what was going on with you. I know it’s not fair to even compare this with what you were feeling. But recently, I saw a TikTok video from a grieving mother. She said that parents who have lost a child will usually say, “it’s been 3 months”, or “it’s been 2 years” or whatever the timespan is since the child’s passing. She went on to say that the other group that says this are prisoners. It certainly does feel like this a lot of the time. We are also prisoners, with what often feels like demons in our head.

At least this is no longer the case for you.

Love you darling,

Mum