I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

One of the bigger struggles I faced last year was having to endure certain unhappy remarks from my family members. I won’t elaborate on that too much because I think the remarks have significantly decreased this year, so I don’t want to harp on old wounds. The general gist of these remarks that have made me extra upset was what I’d do with my future. That was something I struggled to think about – my entire life ending just like that. I know, it’s dramatic because life is much more than relationships, but is it? No one wants to be alone for the rest of their lives, do they? It’s easy for those who aren’t alone to say it’s okay. And it’s easy for those whose ships have sailed to say it’s okay. But it really isn’t, and no one talks about that enough.

There was a documentary on TV a few nights ago. I wasn’t watching it properly because I was reading but there was this old man that was featured in the documentary because he spent 50 years living alone in the mountains. He opened his segment by making a joke about how he talks to himself every day and spends his time writing about nature because he has nothing else to do. He tracks wind movement, snow build-up, etc (something along these lines). And he looked… if I’m being totally honest… a little peculiar. Our studies have trained us to do this – observe behavior and read between the lines – and I just couldn’t help but feel how lonely he is. I’m guessing he made the choice to move to the mountains and be alone for decades, but I also couldn’t help wondering if he would have been happy to have a companion. I’m sure it wouldn’t be undesirable, you know?

I think that’s my current concern. What if I grow older and become a lonely, cuckoo woman? What if everyone else has their own families and lives and I’m just left behind? I know I have friends – they are mostly unmarried now and that’s why we can hang out any time – but what happens after, you know? Relationships shouldn’t be your whole life, I know that. I also know that you shouldn’t need a partner. I have much to look forward to (hopefully) – career-wise – and I can be quite content with myself, but… you know? Yes, I will have our families and friends sometimes, but at the end of the day, the time I will have with friends and family will be so little. I will go home to end empty house, go to bed alone, and wake up alone with nothing much to look forward to. I mean, maybe to some I’m already kind of cuckoo. I talk to you in my room and write letters to you. I basically am still living as if nothing is wrong. To some, that could be a bit peculiar, no?

Not that I want to change anything about my life at the moment, but the other day I couldn’t help but think about my mortality. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to perish right now, but it doesn’t seem to be happening any time soon (I never get what I want). I was thinking about how my peers are getting married and having children. I was thinking about the number of years I have left before that ship is officially done for me. I mean, I know it’s basically been done for me since you were taken away, but my age and the time I have left feels like a constant reminder. Once the ship officially sails, it’s not coming back. I can’t regret anything in the future. I don’t have to make any decisions but in not doing anything, I’m making a decision. I know I’m being a bit abstract, but you know what I mean, and honestly the whole idea is scaring me.

The other issue is, my dad is super fond of children and I’m feeling sorry that I won’t be able to give him grandchildren to play with. I was thinking about it the other day. I’m their child too – as sad as I am about the way my life turned out, I’m at least half certain they are sad for me too. Again, just to reiterate for some people who might think I’m writing this to jump ship, I’m not about to change my lifestyle or make any different decisions. I was just thinking out loud and wishing I could either perish or time could stop (the former is very much preferred). So many decisions and choices and consequences and it feels like I’m the only one having to think of these things because of the type of loss you are to me. I don’t think anyone understands this, which makes me feel more alone.

And when I think of things like that, I feel guilty. How could I think of my mortality and my feeble struggles when it’s nothing compared to what you went through? Remember how I told you about the pawdcast L and I do every month? The episode for April mentions a little about self-punishment and it got me thinking if I’m self-punishing – not living because you weren’t allowed to. Then the guilt comes in again. I’m not thinking of going anywhere, don’t worry. As far as I know, I’ll just end up a peculiar, sad, and lonely woman.

I can’t wait to see you again. Though I did tell you to visit your grandma this week because it’s her birthday week. I’ll see you next week then. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha

If anyone’s interested, the pawdcast is on Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/4sEuCCcR6ZVzeBHe4PiLxH?si=60bee77a081248cb