I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I just watched “Wuthering Heights”, the movie, and I have thoughts. Well, not thoughts really, but emotions and reactions. For anyone who has not watched the movie, you might want to skip this letter because it’s going to contain some spoilers. It is imperative to note that I have not read the book (it’s a classic, I know, I just haven’t gotten around to it but it has been on my reading list for the longest time), so my reactions are based on the movie alone. Firstly, it crushed me. Let’s put that out there. I cried, which means quite a lot because I rarely cry over movies. I used to cry over books all the time but movies rarely made me cry. This one did. I hate stories where everything that happened could have been prevented by communicating with each other. I hate stories where one writes and the other never receives because someone intercepts. I hate stories where one waits and the other moves on because they didn’t know. I hate stories where one dies. “Wuthering Heights” was all of the above and I hated it because it made me so sad. I’m writing this immediately after watching the movie so I’m still especially sad. At most important points of the movie, I paused to react to it as if you’re right beside me. You can’t blame me for having reactions really, though I think you would be laughing. Catherine dies and doesn’t know that Heathcliff has been writing to her. And he doesn’t know she was going to die until she did. See, stuff like that just destroys me.

I’ve always been like that – soft and weak, perhaps – but it’s gotten worse since you passed. Every sad scene is amplified because things are usually sad because of love or death. We happen to fit into both those categories, so almost everything that is sad makes me think of you. There are some lines that I thought were written and said so beautifully I wish I was poetic enough to have thought of them myself. In the ending scene where Heathcliff speaks to Catherine after she dies, he says to her, “Only do not go. It is unutterable. I cannot live without my life. I cannot live without my soul. You said I killed you – haunt me then. Be with me always. Take any form. Only please do not leave me in this abyss where I cannot find you. I will love you until the day that I die and forever after.” This isn’t the whole monologue; I only chose what I liked most and related to. The ending scene made me sob.

I was out for lunch with my mum today and we were doing some light shopping in the mall when we bumped into your grandma! I was honestly quite excited and we stopped for a few minutes to chat. After the incidental meeting, my mum said, “Actually Joshua looks like his grandma a bit.” And when I said, “Oh yes, the curly hair right?” She said, “Not just that, the eyes too.” I haven’t told your grandma this – I assume she’d be reading this soon; I think she’d be happy to hear this – but I was quite touched after hearing my mum say that because it meant she still remembers your face. She remembers you, Josh! You would have loved this. The first time you came over, I asked you how meeting my parents was and you said you’d get along with my dad (I agree) but my mum has a menacing vibe (Your exact words were, “She’s smiling but in a menacing way. Like I can’t tell if she’s actually happy.” I also agreed; I can’t tell when she’s happy too!).

I met two of your sister’s friends today and they were so nice. It’s weird for me to meet nice people because before I formed the friendships that I currently have I kept meeting unkind people. It took me quite a while to build the friendships and support system I have now, so every time I meet people for the first time, I tend to assume they’d be mean or I’d have to be extra cautious around them. It surprised me when I first met your friends – how comfortable I was – and it surprises me how comfortable I am with your sister’s friends too. I guess nice people attract other nice people. It’s the only explanation I can think of for why you and your sister have such nice friends.

I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha