I Swear You Will Be Fine

Hello josh,

i finally got myself back into my morning routine of walking/running in the wee (wee wee wee) hours of dawn, not without trying to negotiate with myself for another five or ten minutes more. i have friends who wake up at the same-ish hours, and volunteer on occasions to wake me up since i’ve been trouble sleeping early hence waking early.

as i was on one of my walk/runs (wun?) this week, i was thinking about the post i shared with you and sha:

i missed you so quietly today

i missed you so quietly that no one noticed

i missed you without tears or noise

but oh how i felt it

i felt it as i waited in silence as i looked at everyone

i felt it at home

on the road

in the light

and even more in the dark

yes i missed you so quietly today

but i felt it so loudly

i asked myself, somewhat accusatorily, if i had been feeling less sad about your absence because i wasn’t saying it enough or showing it as much. as i thought about this, i asked you if you knew that one and more of us are always missing you quietly?

the what-if moments surface every so often

the visual memories with every recollection

the happy thoughts that are lost for good

my questioning continued throughout the week… just randomly whenever there were pauses in my deliberately packed life. i remember feeling how school was made enjoyable because of you, sha and L. i remember how the weird windy path of life somehow got us to where we are today. i tried to imagine if i had not chosen to detour from my seemingly perfect life, would it have been better? would it have been better not to have to miss you quietly for the rest of our lives?

there’s always a murder of crows gathered on my route during these mornings, and i would pick one to speak to. sometimes a hello, sometimes a ‘would you like to come back with me’? but mostly, seeing them reminds me of you, and that missing you quietly is already part of what life is, and with all the mess of my life that came with the detour, i know i would not change my decision because it led me to your friendship.

so i’ll miss you quietly (even as the raven says, nevermore.)

“lynnda”