I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

The lead up to this year’s Mothers’ Day was actually fine. I was so busy with work. Social activities also helped almost right up to the day. And I was looking forward to Jess and her friends arriving the next day. It was also nice that Shalini was going to join us for lunch. That gave me a lot of comfort.

I didn’t think I would get anything from you since you already sent me a message the day before Bereaved Mother’s Day. And yet, you sent me one again, just hours before Mothers’ Day. That helped so much.

On the morning itself, as I was waking up, I thought I could smell something. It really smelt like pancakes. I don’t know if I imagined it. But it was strong enough that I thought Tun was making it and I really didn’t want her making it. That was a special thing from you. Again, I don’t know if I imagined it, but I’m going to take it that you did it. As I looked at your picture when I opened my eyes, I imagined you wishing me. So you were still the first to wish me! I went to your room first, and while I was there, Tun gave me the card from Jess, Shalini and you. So that felt special too, since I was in your room.

Shalini so lovingly came over later in the morning, with beautiful flowers made from soap! It had fairy lights too. So grateful that she spent much of the day with me. It made a huge difference.

I bought Ammamma foot scrubs. Something you would have bought her. And Ammamma made me a pendant, similar to the one you always wear, and with your “pet” name on it. Except it’s made with rose gold now, and matches my purple heart pendant. So lovely.

The day was nice. We had lunch with Aunty J and we went out to buy flowers for you. My 3 favourite little girls came over for a session of Catan and I got a beautifully written card. The afternoon went well too.

Throughout the day, you were sending me signs. There were so many angel numbers, and so many “79”s and “97”s. Later in the evening, Shalini texted me about the beautiful sky you had painted for me. I had just seen it too.

But despite being surrounded by so much love, it ended up being a difficult day. As I went to bed, I wanted to hear from you. So I spent a lot of time reading our whatsapp exchanges. So much of it in the last few months was so normal. It was hard to think why it just couldn’t have continued. I told myself that a lot of the hard parts were not in these exchanges. But it was still very difficult to accept.

A mother in The Compassionate Friends wrote in her post that it was such a difficult day, and that she didn’t want to face another Mothers’ Day. I felt the same way too. I wish I didn’t have to face another Mothers’ Day, another birthday, another Christmas and so much more.

But another Mother said to me, “may love speak louder than loss”. They were the most beautiful words I had heard all day.

The next morning, I woke up to another lovely message from a dear friend. “Josh and Jess have the best mum in you. Thank you for being a blessing to us all”. And I realised, I can face another Mothers’ Day after all.

Love you darling,

Mum