I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I can safely say I had a good day last Friday. It has been a long time since I’ve been able to say it. I’m also not guilty for saying it. A close friend I met after a very long time and not since you passed asked me genuinely, “how are you?”. I teared not knowing how to answer it. Eventually I said, “what can I do?”. And I followed it up with “I’m keeping myself so busy and so distracted, I don’t know if it’s all going to explode one day”.

Well, Friday was also a super busy day. But it was a “nice” busy. It started with a meeting in one of our new clinics with a plan to start mental health services (this will be for another post). Before the meeting, I had time to sit in a coffeeshop and have my favourite kaya toast and coffee (yes, I know you don’t approve). The meeting was fruitful too.

In the afternoon, I visited my soon-to-be new office. My boss was asking me to choose the carpet and the chairs, which made me happy. He was also very thrilled to show me what will be my new room. You would have loved it, and you would be so proud. It saddens me that you won’t physically see it and that I will need to leave my current office. That will also be for another post.

I was also happy that Jess seems happy. It helps that one of her closest friends is here from London. Our home seems much more lively and happy. Ammamma took the dogs for the day which was super helpful. You will be happy to know that the boys are much better behaved.

The evening and night was beyond amazing catching up with my high school friends. I don’t think I had laughed this much in a very long time. And I didn’t feel guilty about it too. I had forgotten what a fun group they are. While I was at dinner, Shalini texted me to say she and her Dad were walking the boys. And she sent me a picture of the sky that was so, so beautiful. I guess you approved of everything that day. Despite being so busy, I was also filled with memories of you, but in a nice way.

A stupid thing to also mention is that “Snowflake”, aka known as our Robo-vacuum-mop, is up and running again. I hadn’t worked him since you passed. This was usually your job (if you can call it a job). But I got the app working again and Snowflake did a great job. You know the kind of a thrill I get from having a clean house.

When I went to bed that night, I thought to myself, “it was a good day”. As always, it felt like you made it happen. I was also reminded of one of your last journal entries, sometime in November, weeks before you passed. I think it was the day you and Shalini celebrated her birthday, though it wasn’t her actual birthday. In the entry you had said, “today was a good day”.

Love you darling,

Mum