I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I have been struggling with a bunch of things. Wow, that was a terrible way of beginning the letter. I’m not sure what’s going on internally, but I’ve been thinking so much, then overthinking my thoughts, then wondering if I’m overthinking and not being as objective as I can be, etc. Not sure what triggered this unending flow of thoughts of so many different things, but it has left me feeling upset, annoyed, angry, guilty, and tired. I’ve tried journaling to get them out, writing it down on paper and on my phone, but I can’t shake this feeling. I spoke to a friend about these thoughts and it made me feel better. Speaking to someone about a struggle isn’t usually something I’d do, but I imagine it is a work of yours that I’ve now got this courage. Anyway, let’s move on to happier thoughts.

Firstly, your Robo-vacuum was let out at home the other day and I was sitting at the dining table just watching it work. We called the Robo-vacuum “Sparkle”, but after reading your mum’s letter yesterday your mum and I had a discussion where we were confused if it was named “Snowflake” or “Sparkle”. I dug up some texts of us calling it “Sparkle”, and we concluded that the Robo-vacuum will likely have a new middle name. I still don’t know if its original name was “Snowflake” but you forgot and we named it “Sparkle”, or if it was some other mix up. I’ll call it “Sparkle” because that’s what we called it, even if it might not be its name.

I was watching Sparkle work – moving up and down the spaces we used to move up and down – and started getting all sentimental for a Robo-vacuum. I know it’s a robot, and maybe this week has made me emotional, but I just thought it was so cute moving up and down like that, trying its best to keep the house clean! It reminded me of when we’d let Sparkle out before your mum came home because the dogs’ fur would be everywhere. We wouldn’t watch it work, but I’d hear it moving about the house. Watching it the other day took me back to those days when we’d play games on the couch and Sparkle would be hard at work behind us. Go on, laugh at how I now think of Sparkle as a little pet.

A few posts ago, your mum briefly mentioned a dream I had and very kindly allowed me to talk about it. Now, I don’t remember much about what happened in the dream, but this part I remember so clearly. I somehow found that I could text you on my phone and you’d reply. I remember a bit of back and forth where I was trying to confirm that it was really you. I was looking down at my phone the entire time and there was a text I sent that said, “Is it really you”?” and you replied, “Yes”. I continued texting about how exciting this is and I said to you that I have to tell your family. I then asked if you are really still here with us. And your exact words – or rather, the exact words I read on my phone, from you, in my dream – were, “Tell them we’ll always be five.” There was a second text, “Or maybe six.”

I don’t remember the rest of my dream, but I somehow knew I was dreaming and made a mental note to wake up and tell your family. After I woke up though, I deliberated for a bit because I wondered if your family would think it’s silly. I decided to push my silly emotions aside and tell them anyway because that’s literally what you said to me – to tell them you all will always be five.

For some of our readers who may not fully understand what this means, I think your sister wrote about this a long time ago. If I recall right, she wrote about how you and your family are three and five. Three because you, your sister, and your mum. Five because you, your sister, your mum, your grandma, and your grandpa. “Tell them we’ll always be five” is important, because you validate her thoughts in that simple sentence. The family is still, and will always be, five!

The second text you sent, “Or maybe six,” was – I assume – a kindness to me. I think you were being kind to include me in the equation, which I appreciate. Or maybe it’s Tun! Now that I think about it, Tun has been so close to you for so many years, “six” has to mean Tun. Unless you can send me another text with the whole breakdown of the numbers. I’ve never been that good at numbers. That would be nice and I wouldn’t be able to misinterpret that!

I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha