I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

My company is contemplating going into psychological services. Finally. We are hoping to start small. But as we all know, there is a huge need for this, especially in Singapore. So hopefully we are filling at least a small part of the gap.

I started interviewing a few potential candidates. Though not experienced in this field, I could see my other colleagues also in the interview quite surprised with some of my questions. 

“Are you trained in CBT?”  “What about DBT?” “EMDR?” “Schema”

And that of course, is because of all the different therapies you tried. For so many years.

In many of my readings, early intervention is apparently a good prognostic factor. They should use you as a test case to oppose this theory.

I started you on therapy after your school teacher suggested it, just weeks after a traumatic incident. You had just turned 11. Within a couple of months after that, your therapist wanted you to see a psychiatrist. Mainly for suicidal ideations.

Over the next 9 years, we went through many therapists. I say “we”, because it affected me too. In the earlier days, I would sit outside the therapist’s room, waiting for you to finish. I would usually be called in for the last 10 minutes, and I must confess to you now- I hated it. It always felt like I had failed an exam. In those 10 minutes, I rarely heard things I wanted to hear. And often it would be, “I heard you said this to him”, or something like that.

As you got older, the therapists stopped asking to see me. You also moved to different therapists for different reasons. CBT, DBT, EMDR, you name it. You tried it all. Some of it helped, some didn’t. You were so compliant, doing almost everything you were asked to do. Meditation, journaling and so much more.

In the last few years, I hardly heard from your therapists. I knew they would call me only if they were worried your life was at risk. So when the centre sent me the text message to call back just 7 days before you passed, I knew exactly what I was going to hear.

Sometimes I wonder if therapy helped. I know deep down, that without it, we would have lost you years ago. I just wish it had been enough to keep you alive.

I would have loved to talk to you about the programmes we are planning. I would have loved to ask you what I should be looking for in the candidates being interviewed. You would have given me a whole lot of advice, like you did, in many of my work matters. I’m telling myself that you will continue to guide me in the right direction.

Thinking of you more and more these days.

Love Mum