I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear brother,

At what point does it mean that we’re ‘over’ you? That we’ve stopped missing you to the extent that we’re constantly in tears. When we go places that we went with you without getting sad, or do things that you loved to do without wishing you were here.

Honestly, I had a lot of those firsts this week. I went to Universal Studios for the first time since you passed. I don’t know if this makes me a crap sister, but I had a great time. I did all the rides we did 100s of times with friends who made it better. I was constantly distracted. I did, however, miss our Express Passes.

Going to the gym was harder. I’ve known I need to go (you would agree I’m not at my healthiest right now). A lot of these firsts involve complete denial. With Universal, I refused to acknowledge how tricky it should be. With the gym, I had headphones in at full volume from the time I walked out the door and back in. I had to stop myself from having a full-blown panic several times at the gym, and in the end, I could only last 20 minutes. You would say it was my stamina. You may not be wrong.

Mum and I were asked that question this week. How are we doing now? Is Ammamma better? To be fair, the person who asked us this answered the question themselves. It’s not something you really get over. But Mum and I went to Uniqlo yesterday. The same way we did with you the day before you passed. We showed each other everything we tried on. I didn’t get to keep quiet and wait for you to realise that the bigger size fits better. When I asked Mum if we were getting used to being without you, she said she had the same thought minutes earlier.

I am crying as I write this, so I hope I’m being an ok sister. But I am confused, Josh. My Uni friends have been in and out of Singapore over the last month. The last group left this week. They asked (somewhat randomly) when I last cried. I answered the day before they arrived. I asked them the question back, but the conversation changed.

One of them messaged me after they left that they cried while they were with us in Singapore, reading a post on my private Instagram. It was about you.

Some part of me wants the grief to always be palpable, like I could cry any time someone brings you up. Because then it’s like you were just here. But when I’m distracted, I forget how much I miss you. And honestly, it hurts less. I understand the people who don’t talk about lost loved ones more now.

I’m not sure what the right thing to do is. If you were physically here, this is about the time I would bring it up in the car with Mum. My way of asking for your input without admitting I needed your advice. Wouldn’t mind some now.

Love you Josh,
Acca