I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

This past week has given me a fresh perspective on the thoughts you had while you were on Earth. I personally felt like I had several very honest conversations with your mum and sister – which I appreciate – and because of these conversations, I feel a bit closer to them (not that I felt far at all). I’ve also had experiences in this past week that I didn’t think I would have, and as a result of those experiences, I felt closer to some friends too.

I met your friends twice in the past week, which is actually the most social interaction I’ve had since you passed. Or actually, it’s the most social interaction I’ve had since even before you passed. Every time I hang out with your friends, I feel a bit closer to them than before, which I think is a good sign. At this point, I consider them my friends as well and I’d like to think they consider me a friend of theirs too. On Tuesday, we went to S’s house and I spent about six hours there. I learnt so much about them, more than you’ve told me, and I gained a new perspective which brought me some sadness. I won’t spill the details, because these aren’t my details to share, but it occurred to me that they might not have shown certain sides of themselves to you. It made me sad that there were stories and details you didn’t know about them. It also made me sad that your perspective of them was not entirely accurate.

The day after, Wednesday, I had dinner with your family and shared this new perspective with them. I needed to talk to people who could understand exactly what I meant when I said I felt sad at this differing perspective. Thankfully, your mum and sister completely understood. We exchanged stories and realized that there were some things you said to me that didn’t happen and vice versa. I wish I could word this in a better way, but I don’t know how to. I don’t want to give the impression that you weren’t being truthful or that you hallucinated, because I’m sure you believed everything you told us, but the fact is that there were some issues with the perspectives you had – that were likely caused by BPD – that we didn’t know about because we didn’t exchange stories with each other (we couldn’t at that time). It made me think about BPD and how it affected you and the relationships you had with your family, friends, and me. It also made me think about what I could have done to alleviate these struggles.  

I will say though, one thing that had never wavered was the way you spoke about the people you love. You spoke so highly of your friends and family and that is one of the things BPD did not manage to take away from you. I’m seeing it all so clearly now. They are exactly the way you described them – smart, kind, funny, sweet, thoughtful, and all the nice words I can think of.

I have more to share with you (what’s new!) and this letter is getting too long. Looks like there will be a part two. Just a quick spoiler so you don’t get nervous: part two is really wholesome and sweet.

I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha