I Swear You Will Be Fine

    Day 526 – Sunday

    Dear Josh,

    Last Sunday was another nice day.

    It started with Jess, Shalini and I meeting for coffee. Shalini joined us a little later. It was so lovely to see her after a few days. She recounted the events of the night before. I won’t describe it in detail in case she plans to. It was another very touching event and the tears started to flow for all of us. The lady next to us in the cafe must have been wondering what exactly had happened.

    Later, we picked up Ammamma and went shopping. We visited multiple stores. While Ammamma and I were browsing in one of the sections in M&S, I heard Jess yell out, “Mum”. I turned around to a really cute picture. Jess and Shalini were both in the exact same pose. They were holding a t-shirt against themselves, the exact same one, but one in navy blue and one in bright blue. It was really cute. But what was cuter was that they were actually in the children’s section, holding t-shirts meant for 11 year olds! In that millisecond, I actually asked you if you were watching this and was also sad you were not physically there to see it. You would have found it hilarious.

    What followed was both of them actually trying them on, and then needing sizes even smaller than those for 11 year olds….

    It was a nice rest of the day, with lunch and more shopping. In the afternoon, we spent some time working things out for the foundation and for your birthday. I cooked dinner for the family after a very long time. You were and are always missed.

    Despite spending the whole day together, Shalini and I walked the dogs later in the night, and we still had so much to talk about.

    One of the greatest blessings we have is Shalini. I watch the interactions between Jess and her, and it’s like Jess has a sister. It will never be the same as having as you. But it’s as close as it can get. In the same way, it’s like I have another daughter, Ammamma and Patta have another grand-daughter, and even the dogs have another owner. Actually, it’s clear the dogs like her more than any of us!

    I hope you were looking down on us and smiling. As Jess mentioned, sadly, it’s like we are getting used to not having you with us. But we are thankful for the other blessings we have to somehow allow us to get through this.

    Love Mum

    Responses

    1. caitlynnegrace Avatar
      caitlynnegrace

      Life is evolving – from a family of 3 into a different 3 (with Shalini now) (or 5 into a different 5, as Josh might see it). It is sad and it is sweet. For the longest time, it will cut deeply. Someday, the point will come when the sweetness will cover the sadness most days. The bright days will take you through the moments where grief might return strongly, as it surely will. For some months now, I have been receiving warning messages that an old email account is going to be discontinued despite my efforts to reactivate the account. That account is precious to me because it holds a folder marked as Book of “J”, containing a number of emails sent to various persons about our life with our late son. Last night, not willing to risk a loss of memories, I began to retrieve and save those emails from almost 20 years ago. As I did so, grief returned, sharp and searing. So profoundly did I feel this loss of what might have been had he not gone. The only difference this time was that I could finally say through my tears, He has gone from us but he is safe with Jesus, safe in Jesus’ Sacred Heart. I could say it in truth and in sincere belief when before it was always a struggle.

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      1. Cheryl Glenn Avatar
        Cheryl Glenn

        Thank you for sharing this beautiful comment. I am sorry you are also a parent who has also lost a son “J”. I can totally imagine the pain you must have felt when looking at those emails. I hope we will also be able to say what you’re able to say about your son in time.

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