I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I saw something else on social media that caught my eye. I know I start off a lot of my thoughts like that – seeing something online – but please know that I am actually not as chronically online as I sound. This was another post about grief and I thought it was well-described.

Grief turns people into birdwatchers, bug-watchers, and sunset-lovers. It’s a very simple sentence that anyone could have thought of but the concept behind it was what I found more interesting. To me, there are different takeaways from this simple sentence.

First, there’s the simplicity of it. Grief turns us into people who start noticing the little things like birds, bugs, and the skies. Grief makes us, at least for me, quieter and more observant. I started to see things I didn’t notice before. I started having more love for things I didn’t use to care much for. Grief made me softer emotionally. Grief also makes me hunt for little joys. I use the word “hunt” and not merely “look for” because I find that little joys are so important now. I go out of my way hunting for them. Micro-joys help survive macro-grief.

Then there’s the sadness of that line. Again, might just be me. I felt like grief made me more tired and immobile. I sit and stare a lot more because I simply do not have much energy to move about. Sitting and staring can be quite enlightening when you have a pretty view. Usually, the prettiest view I’ve seen is nature (though I still can’t stand the heat and most bugs; I have not changed that much). There’s so much movement in nature that goes unnoticed. It’s funny I am only now noticing how beautiful life can be, when I am forced to stop and watch. Only when you’re tired and immobile can you see such things, I think.

Grief has made me so annoying. I now take pictures all the time in fear that one day I will forget some of the people I love the most or some things I love doing. I fear that if I don’t take more pictures and videos I will one day mourn another loss and have the same regrets I have with you. It sounds silly, but I wish I lost before you because then I might have taken more pictures and videos of you. Grief has made me treat people better, express love more, say cringey/stupid things. You would approve of this though. You’d like that I’m more expressive with my emotions. It makes me spend more time with loved ones because I worry that death might be around the corner. I observe people more too, just to make sure I can remember as much as I can for me to replay the memories one day.

This week has been weird. I’ve felt you around a lot more than I usually do and I’m starting to talk to you (aloud) a lot more. Hope you’re not getting tired of my ramblings!

I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha