I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

People can be cruel but ultimately, I think we are our worst critics. I woke up this morning thinking sad thoughts about myself and I’m not sure where they came from. If you were here, I’d share them with you and you’d comfort me by factually disputing each thought, but you’re not here and I can’t hear you. I was left with my sadness for a while until I did Pilates with your sister – which really lifted my mood – but the thoughts came back after I got home.

I was thinking if I somehow ruined you and us. If I somehow caused what happened to you. I know we all blame ourselves a bit for many different reasons, and I keep coming back to mine. I assume this is a normal part of grief, so I just sat with the sadness for as long as I could. I kept thinking that you were too good for me and that I was the “not good” that contaminated our relationship. I felt like there was rot inside me and it touched whoever I touched. I felt like isolating myself from those I loved most so that the rot wouldn’t reach them. “I could keep them away from me to “save” them from this terribleness I carry,” was a lot of what I was thinking. I could use our knowledge to psychoanalyze these thoughts and identify some cognitive distortion occurring here, but I felt too tired to give myself “therapy” today, so like I said, I just let the sadness swallow me whole.

Nothing and no one gave me any reason to feel this way. The thoughts just came and as far as I know, they haven’t left. I still feel this way after a whole day – not that I actively did anything to resolve them. I imagine this is how you felt, but magnified. Thoughts came and went – magnified thoughts – and you, even with all the skills therapy equipped you with and the knowledge you acquired, couldn’t get rid of them.

Amidst all these thoughts, I was reminded of a conversation I had with a friend of ours a few days ago. We were on the bus and he said something along the lines of how you’re gone now and we have to accept that. I’m not saying his exact words right or conveying the right tone, but there was a certainty to his declaration. There was a note of finality that didn’t sound sad when it was said, and there was no malice laced in his words either. It was purely factual and filled with acceptance. When I heard his words I felt comforted, oddly. I don’t know if I feel comforted thinking back on them now, but in that moment, it was alright.

His words made me feel like you were somewhere. In a place we aren’t at yet – not here, but somewhere close enough. I used to think you were very far away. Heaven and Earth sounded like two separate worlds, as though they didn’t even exist in the same timeline. But, I realized that it’s more like looking at the skyline from a distance. The space between us is but the space between the ground and the sky. When I look far enough ahead, the distance begins to soften and eventually, Heaven and Earth meet at the horizon. You are just there and I am just here. You are not and will never be as far as I fear.

Can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha