I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Do you remember how I would sometimes try to comfort you when you were very upset? To be fair, it wasn’t very often, and definitely a lot less in the 2 years before you passed.

I remember one episode just a few months before you passed. We had gotten into a small quarrel and you were upset. I could hear you sobbing uncontrollably in the living room. I came out and tried to comfort you. I remember trying to press my hand to your chest, and repeatedly telling you to breathe. I would tell you to take a deep breath for 5 seconds, hold it for 5 seconds, and breathe out over 5 seconds. Eventually, you quietened down. And your breathing synced up with mine.

The irony of it is now I have to teach it to myself. Every so often, I wake up in the middle of the night, and I feel like I can’t breathe. I have to remind myself to do this cycle. Breathe in over 5 seconds, hold it for 5 seconds, and then breathe out over 5 seconds. After a few cycles, I am usually ok. I often tell myself it’s your voice in my head now, telling me how to breathe.

Many of the posts I see from parents who have suffered the loss of a child state, “I am breathing. That is all I can ask for now”.

I often wonder, almost daily, had I stayed home that night and helped you to “breathe”, would we still be where we are today.

It is sometimes so difficult, not knowing how you are. And how I can’t tell you how to breathe. I have to remind myself that you don’t need this anymore.

Love Mum