I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I don’t want to declare that today was a bad day because I went for Pilates with your sister and that was fun. We were the only two students in class and the instructor got our names mixed up. You would have found that funny. You would have also been really proud of our progress. I feel like we’re getting stronger and most classes are getting manageable.

Apart from Pilates today, the rest of the day wasn’t great. I cried for the first time in a while. Like, proper face-contorting-silent-sobbing cried. For the next thirty minutes after this silent sob, I was teary. It happened out of nowhere. I was in the middle of getting some schoolwork done and just felt it. I’ve not been feeling good. I’ve been rejecting social interactions. I’m not responding to text messages very much. I know this isolation and bad thoughts aren’t good, but I can’t pinpoint a concrete trigger and if I pack my days with distractions now, it’ll just unhealthily prolong the sadness. Basically, I’m in a slump and I have no immediate solution.

These feelings might be because your birthday is nearing. I was telling your sister that this feeling often arises towards the end of each month but for this month, it feels constant. Every month, I get this sinking sadness because we’re yet again finishing and beginning another month without you. July is going to be so painful… It already is.

Every milestone that we get through feels even harder than the last. It feels like we’re getting further and further away from you because it’s been longer and longer since we last interacted with you. There is no cure for a pain like that so we have to be alright with this. Grief is a sign of love. If the time I spend grieving and missing you is a representation of the love I have for you, then fine. I’ll find a way to manage. I’m sure that everyone who loves you will.

There was a poem I read that I wanted to share:
“Elephants return to their deceased loved ones even years later.
Orca mothers won’t let go of their calves who have passed away.
Crows circle their fallen.
Coyotes have mournful calls into the night for their mates.
Geese will stay beside the ones they loved and visibly mourn for years, possibly to never mate again.
And humans?
Humans ask if we moved on yet.
And maybe that’s the reminder we need in a world that moves so quickly:
Creation has never rushed anything
It has loved into being forgotten
And we don’t have to rush ourselves into forgetting our grief either.”
– Jessie Raelynn

There is no rush to forget being sad. Can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha