I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear brother,

Our cousin is here. One of the kids that you especially adored. And it reminded me how good you’ve always been with kids.

Mum had us almost 10 years before all our aunts and uncles started popping out kids, so we were the babysitters at most family gatherings. But even though I’m older than you, everyone seemed to see your talent with kids. No one had to teach you anything. You just knew what to do. They all loved you. Like, really, really loved you. You would let them play any game they wanted, hit you as many times as it took to make them laugh and do virtually anything to entertain them.

I saw this talent the other day with Shalini. The way she was with our cousin is how you were with all the kids we knew. Needless to say, it absolutely sucks. You both would have been ridiculously engaged parents with your children.

But I also know that, as overjoyed as I would have been if you had eventually told me you were going to have kids, I would have been more worried. The illness took many things away from you, and this was one of them. You were still good with kids; they all loved you. But while you could once sit with them for hours, 45 minutes tended to be the max. Even yesterday, we were remembering some outings with family over the last 2 years, but you weren’t able to join us. You still can’t, but this is a bit different, isn’t it?

I don’t have this skill or talent. I genuinely remember one of our cousins saying, “Jessie Acca just likes using her phone”. To which my response was to use my phone more. I’m not sure if you would have thought I’d be a good mother. I kind of think you wouldn’t have. I am better with some of our cousins, though. But this is one of those skills you and Shalini can specialise in. Take it as the one thing I can admit you do better than me.

Love you and miss you very much (especially with babysitting duties, I think our cousins prefer you to me),
Jess