I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

As Shalini wrote earlier, we all went to one of your most favourite places in the world together- USS. I wasn’t going to go. Up to just a few weeks ago, I had told myself I would never step into a theme park again. But when I heard Shalini and Jess talking about it, and when Shalini rationalised that it made sense to go with some of your favourite people, I was a little interested. Later, Jess asked me to come, and I’m glad she did.

Like Shalini, there were many instances when I felt like tearing, but managed to control myself. It helped to have your little cousin around. I was also sad you didn’t get to see the Minion world, although you’ve seen it in Orlando and Osaka. We all had your favourite drink- coke slushies! Jess and Shalini did the big rides together. But the place I missed you most was the “Transformer” ride. The number of times we did that together with you! I saw you everywhere. From the place the attendant checked our tickets, through the queues, getting the 3D glasses, and of course sitting in the ride itself. I remembered how you could recite every single word said during the ride. And especially the last bit by Optimus Prime. It was where I missed you most.

Surprisingly, where I was triggered most, was not in the park itself. After we ended the day, we stopped by Vivo City to run an errand. As I drove into the carpark, a memory suddenly came to me. I recalled how when I was driving in several years ago to the same carpark, and I had received a call from your school counselor. You had not gone to school that day- not uncommon especially during the latter years of your high school. When I heard her voice on the phone, my heart dropped. She could sense the worry and immediately said, “don’t worry, Josh is fine”. But what she wanted to tell me was that another boy in one of your senior classes had ended his life by suicide. And she was worried about you. I can’t exactly remember how I broke the news to you. But I do remember feeling distraught most of the day.

Our day ended with some of your closest friends coming home to meet your Aunt and cousin. They are so, so lovely. You must be so proud to see us all getting along so well.

It was a nice day. Honestly, it couldn’t have gone better. But of course, no day is nice enough. No joy can be totally joyous. Nothing is actually nice enough, because you are not with us. What we would do to do the Transformer ride with you again. At least we have so many memories of this.

Love Mum