I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

It’s quite unbelievable that the year has passed just like that. I feel like I can remember your 21^st birthday so clearly, it doesn’t feel like it’s been a year. I actually don’t remember interacting with many people at your “party” because I was too busy worrying if things were going to run smoothly. There are some moments from last year that I do remember though. I hope I’m not mixing them up with the day we had on the 31^st. Like your sister said, there are now at least two days in the year that we dread.

I remember lighting candles at the church with your family. Right before entering the car, I think I looked up at the sky for a sign, but didn’t know what to expect. I must have talked to you in my head a lot more than usual that day. It felt weird that you weren’t here for your birthday, especially since we were talking about the party the year before.

I remember collecting balloons with your mum and sister. I sat in the backseat holding the balloons and hoping they wouldn’t burst. Not because it would have been loud, but because we might not have 21 to release for you if we lost any. I don’t remember if we bought extras. I wonder if you liked the balloons. We got slightly different colors this year.

I remember trying to make the day fun in small ways. We ordered Mac’s for breakfast and I met your extended family for the first time. We played games at the table after eating. Before your “party” in the evening, we tried guessing which of your friends would arrive first – I think we were both wrong. This year it’ll be a cozier group because most of your friends aren’t able to make it.

Last year, I got you the Batman Lego set you told me you wanted. I was very prompt with the present. Ordered it at least a month before and left the box unopened in my room until your birthday. I still have the box that the Lego set came in. Can’t bear to throw it. I didn’t wrap your present though; can’t remember why I didn’t think to. In hindsight, I probably would have wrapped it for you if you were here – even if you could have guessed what I bought you. I looked at Lego for your present this year, but didn’t order anything. The ones that caught my eye were close to $500 – not that I wouldn’t spend that on you, but I didn’t know if it was a good amount to spend for the box to be unopened for another year. I might change my mind eventually, but I think we need to build last year’s Lego first. I was also conflicted between the Spiderman sets and the Batman ones. I wasn’t exactly sure which you’d prefer because the new Spiderman movie is coming out at the end of the month and we talked about watching that together. I’m watching it with our friends this year.

I remember struggling to tie my card to a balloon. Everyone was given instructions to write a short note to you on a tiny card and tie it to a balloon. My mind must have been in a mess because I recall thinking it could have ran more smoothly. We had a small struggle when everyone had to take a balloon because we couldn’t identify which balloon belonged to whom. We’ll do it in a more organized fashion this year. I was too busy ensuring everyone understood the instructions that I almost forgot to write on my own card.

I actually remember the next scene very clearly. I was standing in the room you last built Lego in, and I couldn’t tie my card to a balloon. I wanted to do it, but tears kept blurring my vision. Your aunt did it for me. Your uncle grabbed a bunch of tissues for me and I stayed in that room for a while. At one point, I looked out the door, my vision blurred with tears, and saw one of our friends, G, just entering the house. I can distinctly remember the look on his face when we met eyes. I can’t describe it, but there was a wordless sense of understanding and sorrow. I hope you’re still looking out for him.

There must have been more about last year that I can’t recall now. We have some small activities planned for this year too – like last year’s balloon releasing. I think it will be nice in a sad way, like all things are now. I hope you’ll like it.

Can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha