I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Last year, I wrote your birthday letter on this blog with words I would have used were you alive. I considered doing the same this year – writing what I would have written you if you were on Earth – but I decided against it because it would have sounded similar to last year’s letter. This year, I’ll write a letter to the actual you – you in Heaven. I hope you’ll receive my letter. This isn’t the only one I’ll write, so if it’s not comprehensive, I apologize in advance. It takes a couple of letters for me to fully express my thoughts and love.

To my dearest Joshua,

Happiest Heavenly birthday to you! I didn’t know how to write this letter, if I’m being completely honest. After typing the first five words, I paused for what felt like eternity. I usually have so much to say to you but I couldn’t find the right words after “happy birthday”. I guess I’ll ask you some questions instead. First and most importantly, how are you? It’s been such a long time since I last saw you but I can still picture your face so clearly. Have you been well? Are you still going to the gym every day? Please tell me you’ve at least started having sugar again. I hope they have a Five Guys in Heaven because I think you’d really miss having their milkshakes. That was one of the only foods of mine you kept asking for a bite of. I’m not there to let you have sips of mine, so just break the sugar diet and get a proper milkshake for yourself, okay? It’s your birthday so you’re allowed to do whatever you want. Don’t forget to hydrate if you’re working out and don’t tire yourself out too much!

I often wonder what life is like for you. I wonder if you miss us too. Do you think about me as much as I think about you? Do you also miss coming to school with me – sitting in class and having the most absurd conversations, saying we’ll “lock in” and focus on our schoolwork but getting distracted after twenty minutes? I don’t think you know how much I miss you at school. You would have loved this year, Josh. I wonder what you would have researched on. I bet it would have been really clever and cool. I wish I could show you how much I’ve accomplished with the support of your loved ones – school, the foundation, this blog…

 I see all these posts online about Heaven being pain-free and that our loved ones don’t miss us with the same sadness when we miss them. The most recent one I saw said that ten years on Earth is equivalent to an hour in Heaven. If that’s true, it means that you’ll see me in the morning. Isn’t that quite a lovely thought? I wish it worked the other way around though, selfishly. I wish it was I who would wake up tomorrow morning and see you. I often think back to your birthday in 2024 – the silly conversations we had in class that day, the note I wrote you, and the texts that followed. I wish we had more chances to make birthday memories. We’ve only got two – yours and mine. I guess we’re even.

I still see you everywhere I go. I see you in the purple and yellow flowers near my bus stop. I see you in the lone crows that fly dangerously near me and watch me high up from a lamp post. I imagine that’s how you watch us too – from way above. I see you in some of the things others say. I often think of you when I see something you would have liked, something we would have done, something we could have had. I still think of you all the time.

I still hope for so much for you. I hope you’re happy – that’s the biggest one. I hope you get everything you want. I hope you get to go to school, and work out, and play games, and play the piano, and sing, and draw, and do everything you want to do. I hope you never stop knowing how loved you are. I hope you feel it in everything we do, every time you are mentioned, every thought we have of you. I hope you feel our love even though you’re far away.

It’s been so, so hard, Josh. I wish I could tell you that I’ve been really good, and brave, and strong, and happy, but I can’t. It’s been awful and I’ve been feeling so awful but I try to distract myself so I don’t think about it. I also tried not to make this letter sad, but I’ve also cried so much today – just in the past 15 minutes that has been your birthday. I’ve cried so much I can’t breathe right. You wouldn’t even find this funny if you could see me. I miss you so, so much.

This is a horrible birthday letter, I know. There should be more “happy” in this. There’s nothing sweet or romantic about this piece of writing. There’s just so much sadness and grief. In a way, I think that represents my love best right now. I can’t pretend it is alright and that things are going to be okay for me, but it is comforting to know that it is now okay for you. And in the chaos that is this letter, I hope you’re able to find the bits of love that peeks out of the sadness. It is an awful life for me right now Josh, but I’m doing it for you. This letter metaphorically represents that (you might be the only one who’ll get what I mean).

I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, and as long as I live, my love you’ll be.

happy birthday! see you tmr

Love always,
Sha