I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Brother,

Happy belated 22nd birthday. I accidentally kicked Caddy off the bed last night. I screamed but I think he’s ok. Apologies.

We miss you so, so much dude. We busied the day with cupcake deliveries to people who love you and us. Just being with Mum and Shalini was helpful, because I knew whatever I was thinking and feeling they were too. We tied pretty purple ribbons on your tree. In the evening, some of your best friends, my best friends and Mum’s best friends came home.

This was when the crying started. Shalini had thought of doing a TikTok trend where we poke notes into your birthday cake, letting you know about things that have happened since you’ve been here. It was an excellent plan. It’s also when the crying started, but I’m so, so glad we did it. It reminded us of how much time has passed since you were here, but also things that have happened that we know you would have cared about. But it also kind of felt like you were there with us.

I went for a lot of therapy over the last 2 months, which I think you would approve of. The aim was to dispel a lot of the trauma I associated with your passing. I think it may be mostly resolved now, but it also makes me sad. Cuz I think now I know that I won’t see you again in this life. But I also see you much, much more clearly. I see you walking around the house, eating unseasoned salad out of your weird glass containers. Making eye contact with me and laughing while looking away when Ammamma says something weird. Kissing the dogs and walking with Patta to make sure he doesn’t fall. Being the person who could read Mum best. Walking Shalini home without fail every night.

It felt like you were there yesterday because we were surrounded by people who love you. I think you would want me to use your birthday as an opportunity to thank all your loved ones. Because even though I said it was our best friends who turned up yesterday, they are really family now.

And even though you may not physically be here, I kinda know you are. In your own weird way. When this lifetime ends, we can debrief properly in heaven.

Miss you and love you buddy. I hope you had an excellent birthday. I thought you might opt to watch a Michael Jackson and D’angelo concert in heaven, but I think you would have chosen to watch us instead.

Love,
Acca