I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I am very shy it comes to expressing feelings verbally. I’m sure you laughed at the moment I’m about to talk about next. For your birthday this year, we spent the day delivering cupcakes to those who ordered them to raise funds for your foundation. I hope I’m recalling this moment right… I think I was so embarrassed my brain is blocking the memory out.

Basically, at one point, your mum and sister were being sweet and talking about how we got through grief with each other. I think the main line was something like, “I could not have gotten through this without you both.” and your sister said something like, “yeah same here” or “you too”. And there was a silence after, where I wanted to add, “you guys too”, because it is true, I could not have survived grief without your mum and sister, but I couldn’t bring myself to say it. One second of silence passed… and another second of silence passed… and another… and your sister very funnily called me out for being silent. And we all burst out laughing. In between fits of laughter, I tried to explain that I can’t say sweet things because it makes me shy and I get very awkward saying stuff like that. I usually assume that people know I love them – which is terrible; you’ve also told me that I shouldn’t be this avoidant. I half-jokingly said that I’ll text it to them tonight, which is actually true, so I think I got my love across (hopefully).

When I parted ways with your mum and sister after they dropped me home, your sister hugged me and said, “love you”, and it would have been a sweeter moment if I could say it back, but instead, we started laughing after (I assume) she noticed I stiffened and the short silence that followed. I ended it with, “I’ll text it later.” (I did, for the record.) I think my point is, I have a problem I don’t know how to fix, and I just hope my love is expressed anyway. For the record, in black and white (or rather, in black and purple), I do love your mum and sister very much.

Actually, I think I should talk about this a little more. After you passed, I was stuck in Japan for nine more days before I could come back. It was nine days between the time you passed and the time I saw your mum and sister. In that nine days, I couldn’t keep my mind out of the darkest place it’s ever been. I will be completely honest here, so before you keep reading know that this writing may not be easy to read after this sentence. In those nine days, I thought of so many different ways of dying. I thought of running up the tallest building I was in. I thought of coming back to Singapore before doing it. I thought of places in my room I could tie a rope to. I thought of syringes I could inject air into my body with. I thought about notes to leave outside my door to warn my family. In the plane ride home, I was seated next to my dad as I wrote my funeral plans in my phone. It’s still in my phone – passwords to all my accounts, one friend from each friend group of mine to contact, songs to play as I’m going in, people to speak on the day of, etc.

I was convinced that I was going to die the week before school started. I didn’t want to go back to school without you. Amidst all these plans that I kept rehearsing in my head, I told myself that I couldn’t go without seeing your mum and sister first. It wouldn’t have been right. Even as I took the lift up to your floor, walked up to your door, and entered your house, I was sure of my plans. We sat at your dining table and talked for hours. We sat for a while more in your room. They gave me the presents you had prepared for me. It was in those few hours that I thought, “Maybe things will work. They might not be okay, ever, but I think I could survive.” And I did.

I won’t say I’ve not thought about dying after that, because I did and have, but I think those few hours with your mum and sister saved me. Maybe I wouldn’t have died. Maybe I would have. But in that moment, they unknowingly kept me alive, and I’m still here. It is them, and so many others who have become so dear to me, that keep me alive.

You must have known I had elaborate thoughts. I assume you helped in some way too. Thank you.

I know I changed my usual ending in the previous letter I wrote you, but I am quite sentimental and I really like the previous one. Maybe I’ll combine both.

For now, I will wait to see you again. I’ll love you forever and I’ll like you for always – more than you can ever imagine. (I like this new ending; I hope you do too)

Love always,
Sha