I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I read something the other day that stuck with me. Now, I don’t know how true this is because I’m not an expert in quantum physics, but it sparked a nice thought that I want to keep. There’s basically this theory called “Quantum Immortality” that explains how one never experiences their own death. It comes from the idea that reality constantly splits into different outcomes, so in every dangerous moment, there are multiple different possibilities – one where you survive and one where you don’t. Both exist, but the unsettling part is that you are only conscious in the reality where you’re still alive. So, if you die in one reality, you just kind of bounce into the next and it carries on, but the reality that you’ve died in is just left there… and people who know you in the reality where you’ve died, grieve you.

The positive side of this logic is that you’re always alive somewhere – just not in this reality. In this reality, we’re grieving you. You’ll always be alive, even if some other “versions” of yourself aren’t. Your consciousness follows the version of you that survives. In this theory, death happens, but not in the reality you experience. So, you never get to experience your own death. That helps me feel a bit better – that you didn’t experience dying – I’ve always been worried that you might have regretted at the last second, or experienced a lot of pain somehow. The ending line of this post where I read about this theory goes, “You live forever by moving through them.” (“Them” being the timelines/realities)

I thought it was nice to read this. It’s nice to imagine you living another life somewhere where perhaps you’re not held down by BPD. It’s nice to think that you can bounce from one reality to another – that things never end, you just don’t know which reality you’re in.

The sad part of this theory is that you won’t remember us. It kind of reminds me of other religious beliefs that involve reincarnation. In a way, it’s good for you to have another, better life. But, for our benefit, I guess we hope that you’re waiting for us somewhere.

Although! By that timeline and multiple realities logic, your family and I must be in those other realities with you too! So, maybe in one reality we are all happy and okay. Maybe in another you grieve one of us instead. Or maybe you and I haven’t met yet. Maybe we’ll meet later on in life. We might have different careers, or be in different countries. No matter what we’re doing or where we are, I hope we meet in every reality.

I can’t wait to see you again. I’ll love you forever and I’ll like you for always – more than you can ever imagine.

Love always,
Sha
(I almost ended today’s letter with, “Regards, Shalini” because of all the emails I’ve been writing; it became muscle memory)