I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

We both read Percy Jackson when we were kids. One of the characters, Annabeth, talks about how she trained herself to be able to read people. Reading expressions and tiny facial movements to work out what they’re thinking. As the smartest character in the book, it felt normal to emulate her. So I did my best to read people too.

You know how blur I am. It often doesn’t work and I see what I want to see. But with Dad, it did. I became very good at realising when it would be safe to be at home and when I may need to get us to Ammamma’s house ASAP.

But you have always been the best at it. You genuinely could read me better than anyone I know. Even compared to Mum, you could predict how I would react to a T. You also read Mum the best. It’s a bit tricky when I can’t ask you how you think she’s doing or if something’s wrong. It means I pester Mum with ‘Are you ok’ several times a week.

I used to think we could read you very well. We prided ourselves on it. Sometimes, I could guess how you were depending on how the dogs barked. Maybe I’m fooling myself, but I do think we read you right that night too. Or at least when we saw you last. I have replayed how you sounded and looked that night over and over again, and maybe I didn’t look closely enough, but I still can’t see a hint of what was to come. I need to accept that I won’t know until I hear it directly from your mouth.

The reason I’m thinking about this is because I’m doing a lot of people reading right now. For the first time since you passed, I’m in a new environment with new people, mainly cuz I’ve started work. I find myself second-guessing my gut instincts fairly often. I could have used your opinion. Not that I would have asked for it. So instead, I’m banking on you making sure that the people who are meant to be in my life will fall into it. I suspect you’ll get the final say on this anyway.

Love you very, very much,
Jess