I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

The week has been busy (in a good way), helping Jess move in to her new place in London.

As we miserably tried to lift the heavy suitcases, we constantly spoke of how effortlessly you would have done this. Jess was initially insistent on us moving the things she had in storage to her new place ourselves. After I huffed and puffed walking up the 3 flights of winding stairs, she decided to get a mover. And so, this part of the move went effortlessly.

The next morning, I decided to go to her place to help her arrange all her things. Afterall, I didn’t have much to do. As I walked into the building on my own, I was constantly thinking of how you would never physically see her new home, the first home she is financially managing on her own having just started work.

Somehow, the first suitcase I opened happened to have the metallic print of you that she keeps on a shelf. I wasn’t sure where she would want to keep this in her own room, so I arranged it carefully in one of her new cupboards on a shelf, together with her “Joshua” things- your cap, hoodie etc. I didn’t realise that particular shelf had a glass. And so, for the next few hours as I was arranging the room, my eyes constantly landed on your picture through the glass. It felt like you were right there with me, helping as well. And the job went a lot faster than I expected.

Some of your most favourite cousins are here with us this weekend. The morning after they arrived, Jess and I packed a few more bags of things we needed to move to her place. Like surrogate brothers, they lovingly took the bags from Jess and came with us to see her new place. Even little “A” carried Jess’s new bathroom bin, from the hotel, on the train, and down the hill to her new place. He used it like a little drum entertaining us throughout the journey.

We would always want you to be here. We will always be sad that you won’t get to see Jess’s new place (although I’m also not sure you would have been able to make this trip even if you were still physically here). But thank you for making me feel like you were right there with me when I was in her room. And thank you for having your little cousins with us so Jess also feels like she has family here to see her place.

London was somehow frequently hard for you. I finally feel now that you are enjoying it with us.

Love Mum