Dear Josh,
I met up with two friends for dinner today. We were actually supposed to go for a therapeutic cycle but the weather forecast warned of rain so we decided to stay in for dinner and conundrums. I was actually supposed to bring a card game – The Moral Dilemma Game – but… I delayed putting it in my bag and forgot. So, we settled for the next best thing and googled similar questions instead.
Some of the questions made me think of you. I actually avoid talking about you around people who have never met you because I fear it might end up in awkward silence. I do it not because I’m afraid to bring you up, or because I don’t want to, but because I don’t want to put others in a situation where they might feel awkward or bad or unsure. Anyway, my friends brought you up several times, which I was thankful for.
There were silly questions we quickly shut down like “If you had to eat one of your friends to survive, who would it be?” We instantly decided that we’d likely eat someone we hate over someone we love – not the question, I know.
One of the questions we kind of deliberated on was, “You can save five strangers or one person you love. What do you do?” I got stuck on this one for a while because I know what it’s like to lose someone you love. You’d think it’d be a no-brainer, because I know what it feels like, yet I could not imagine doing that to five other people’s families and loved ones. That’s five other lives we’re talking about. One of my friends immediately said she’s saving her loved one. My other friend also quickly came to the conclusion that she’d save the five strangers because it is five lives and five groups of sadness we could prevent. I could see the rationale for both options, but ultimately decided to save five people. I know what it’s like to lose a loved one, but ultimately, I don’t think I could live with myself if I caused that kind of pain to five others. Selfishly (if you think about it, it’s selfish), I’d take the pain.
The other question that brought your name to the table was, “You’re stranded in the wilderness with your best friend and they’ve broken their leg. Do you risk both your lives by slowly carrying them with you, or leave them and save yourself?” I actually responded very quickly with, “I don’t actually have a best friend. Like, all my friends are loved but I don’t have a one true bestie like most people probably do.” That made both my friends laugh, but it is true. I can’t think of a best friend and I don’t say that in a sad way. I have many friends I adore who also adore me (I can now pretty certainly say that), but I think you were my best friend – the way it should be; your partner should be your best friend (if not, why are you choosing to spend the rest of your life with them, right?). My friend then said, “What if the person was Josh?” And I was thinking of you, so I was thankful she said that. She was also really sweet about it, telling me that I don’t have to answer if it’s a sore topic. I assured her that it’s fine and I was thinking about you. My final answer was, “Yes, I would try to save us both and not leave my best friend behind if it were Josh. But honestly, I wouldn’t leave anyone behind. Even if it’s someone I’m not close to or someone I hate. I don’t think I could do that and live with myself – leave someone behind and condemn them to death.” They agreed with me, then joked that I’d be the best person to be stranded with because I’d never leave them. Though realistically, as we have funnily tried in many of those “could you lift your boyfriend up if he passed out and the house was on fire” challenges, I would not be able to carry you. But we’d have a good laugh trying, set up camp in a nice spot, and probably die peacefully. I do have some survival skills; we’ll at least be comfortable. So, there’s that.
There were many more questions we discussed and it reminded me of the topics we’d talk about. I’m glad I have friends I can share my thoughts with, but I still wish I could do it with you.
Hope you’re still watching over us. I miss you and can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.
Love always,
Sha
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