Dear Josh,
Shalini recently talked about “holding on”. I think we are all doing this in some way or another.
I want so much for you to still be part of our lives. Maybe it is the “denial” part of the stages of grief still in full force. There are days that I feel like you’re still around the house. It’s almost like I can “feel” your presence and you are keeping me company. Not so much like you’re doing about the house doing your things, but more like you’re just there. And then there are days when you feel so far away, and I get that terrible feeling like I don’t know where you are.
One weird thing I have trouble with is when friends and family ask how I am, and then ask how Jess is. I feel like I’m waiting for them to then ask how you are, but they can’t possibly do that. It upsets me to this day, and I’m not sure if I will ever get over it.
We are all blessed to have friends who still constantly look for the signs you give us, and acknowledge them as well, instead of looking at us like we’ve gone looney. Last night I went to dinner with some friends to a Chinese restaurant. As we waited to be seated, I saw a sign at the entrance of their bar. It was called “Dead Poets’ Society Bar”. So unusual to see at a Chinese restaurant. My friends immediately said, “it’s a sign from Josh”.
I guess we will hang on to whatever we can hang on to. I cannot accept that we will ever be able to let go. I hope as time goes on, we get to do more for your foundation too. That will be another way we can hold on.
Love Mum
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