I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

As you know, Shalini and I are in London. We got an apartment near Jess’s place and Jess is staying with us too. It’s so nice being together with the both of them, and we are so blessed that Shalini is with us too.

When I woke up the morning of the flight and I was lying in bed, I thought of how it would have been if you were still here. How I wished I had to wake you up to get ready for the flight too. Again, I was so blessed to be meeting Shalini at the airport. And next week, there will be more people keeping us company for Jess’s graduation.

I guess you were always at the back (and front) of my mind. The dream I had last night (the first night in London) was more than vivid. Jess, Shalini and I were sitting in Ammamma’s house chatting. As with many of my dreams, you had come back to life. I was worried because you had turned off your “Find My Phone”. Shalini was agreeing with me that you were not doing so great.

I then saw Ammamma out on the road getting into a car. I went out to see where she was going, and she said “Josh”. I looked at her worried. And she then said, “Josh has overdosed. He’s on a breathing tube, and it doesn’t look good”. I rushed to get Shalini and Jess to go to the hospital.

There were many thoughts going on in my head.

1. He’s in hospital already. So the Doctors will fix him and he will get the support needed once he’s medically stable.
2. He’s not going to make it. I can’t do this again.
3. How will we be able to go to London for Jess’s grad (I know, I know).

As we travelled in the car to the hospital, I asked everyone a weird question. “How are we going to answer the Doctors about this? Like when exactly did we realise Josh came back to life?”. And then I woke up.

Of course it was a sad feeling when I woke up with the realisation that you had not quite come back to life. In a way, I felt like you were telling me that you were with us as well. And to try to enjoy the trip and especially the graduation.

As I was typing this, Shalini passed by and told me the lights in her bathroom were flickering. As we were walking out of Liberty this afternoon, we heard someone talking to his friend mentioning his name  “Josh”. We need to feel like you are with us. So please keep the signs coming.

Love Mum