I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear brother,

Here are 10 things I know you hate about me:

1. I talk with my mouth open while I eat. To clarify, this only ever happened around you and Mum. But I only remembered how much you hated it when I did it around Shalini and Mum yesterday. Clearly, I think of Shalini as enough of a sibling to stop thinking about manners in front of her. You so would have told me off for being so rude in front of your girlfriend.
2. When I forgot to unlock the bathroom door to your room, so you’d have to come through my room late at night to pee. I’m quite glad I did now.
3. How I’d fight you for the front seat in the car.
4. How I’d fight you for the music in the car.
5. How I’d insist I didn’t make a mistake while driving despite the 10 cars around me honking.
6. When I would say Mum and I are twins and talk about medicine. I guessed the latter, but Shalini recently told me about the former. I think Mum and I are more similiar now in the sense that the most important part of us is missing now.
7. My lack of decency when changing. Or rather, my refusal to close my bedroom door while changing. I think some part of me enjoyed pissing you off with this.
8. When my friends came over and even though we’d all make noise until late at night, it was my voice you could somehow pick up. I still think you were exaggerating.
9. When Nic came over and I forgot to tell you, so my best friend saw you in a towel when you were coming out of the shower. You were actually calmer about this than I would have expected, but I think you were reigning it in cuz I was sad about dumb stuff. Still, you didn’t swear at me over text. I didn’t often have the same restraint. Selfishly now, I’m glad she saw you one last time. Her last image of you is you in a towel with wet hair and water on your glasses. She grieves you with me.
10. You’d always have to wait for me when the three of us were heading out. I’m normally semi-punctual, but when I was home, time was something for you and Mum to remind me of and for me to pretend didn’t exist.

I can actually think of several more things you didn’t particularly like about me. It’s slightly ridiculous that I made this list and didn’t include being bossy (or just being a responsible older sister, as I see it). I will do another one at some point. But really, I hate you quite a lot right now. I’m so scared of graduation this week without you. I keep pretending it’s not actually going to happen. Get us through it, ok? And maybe I can be more honest with the next list.

Love you and miss you so, so much Josh,
Acca