Dear Josh,
Your sister graduates tomorrow. Once again, I’m writing my posts in advance and scheduling them for when it’s supposed to come out, so by the time this is read, her graduation would have been over and you would have gotten us through it.
At this point, I can’t write about how the day went even though, like I said, this post will come out later. I wasn’t feeling nervous about the day until I think… now. After reading the posts your mum and sister wrote and feeling the general subconscious “tension” in everyone else, I feel it too. It feels like everyone is holding their breath and being very cautious – afraid to crumble first. The first person to cry will cause everyone else to cry. And we are all being brave by not doing it first. Brave or kind, I’m not sure.
You and I had a conversation about your sister’s graduation in October 2024, when your mum was set to fly to London for her graduation (the previous one). I will be completely honest here, because I think with honesty comes understanding. You were feeling suicidal in the days leading up to it. Actually, more than that. I was on the phone with you and you were struggling with the thoughts of ending your life. It was before her graduation, and I was doing my best to convince you to stay. Do you remember what I told you that ultimately made you ditch the idea of ending your life then? I told you that if you hurt yourself or end your life, your mum would cancel the plane ticket, miss your sister’s graduation, and her moment would become yours.
I know… cruel, maybe, to say to a suicidal individual. But I was running out of options and in hindsight, I realized that in those tough moments, I often pulled whatever I could come up with to get you to calm down and think rationally. It sounds cruel, to indirectly say, “Don’t steal your sister’s limelight by dying.” But it worked. I said that and more along those lines, and you calmed down. You dried your tears and within minutes you were cracking jokes with me. That day, it was only after you stopped crying that I started. I can say it now. I didn’t tell you why I started crying – though I think you knew – but it was because I was so overwhelmed and scared that I would fail at trying to keep you alive. I was so stressed in many of those moments, Josh. I tried to laugh it off with you when they were over but it was scary. Did you know that? It was tears of relief that telling you to stay for your mum and sister worked that day.
I guess you know why I’m bringing this story up now. To me, it shows how much your sister and mum mean to you. You chose, and managed to, put aside your difficult feelings in a difficult moment for them – something that is a lot harder than it sounds. Your sister had her moment back then. I remember you going on and on about her graduation before and after it happened. I wish you were more vocal in telling her how proud you are of her.
I will say though, I’m a little annoyed at you for not being here now. I know it’s not your fault, and I’m not saying that it is, but what should have been a happy moment for your sister and the family is now bittersweet because you’re not here. Again, not blaming you, but what we tried to prevent in October 2024 is happening in October 2026.
Oh, one more thing before I end this post, I want to thank you for helping her get through med school, but I also want to acknowledge that she worked hard on her own. Yes, you helped, I’m sure you did when you were alive and after, but she did too and it is about time we gave her the full credit for all the hard work she put in.
All I can hope for now is that you keep us brave and kind. Can’t wait to see you again. I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, and I’ll miss you more than you can imagine.
Love always,
Sha
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