Dear Josh,
The title of this post is misleading because I’m not about to talk about my graduation again. That feels a bit narcissistic. I actually wanted to talk about this thought I’ve had pop up once in a while. I was supposed to write about it in the previous post but the post was starting to get too long and this thought would have been overshadowed. Like you’ve read, I unexpectedly had a good time on my graduation day. A big part of why I had fun was the people I was with. I find that that’s what things have been like lately. I’ve been having quite a decent amount of good times because of the people I’ve interacted with. It has also occurred to me that I might not have had these people if you were here.
Now, that sounds bloody terrible, but that’s the truth. Your mum, sister, and I were talking about it on my last day in London. We were sitting around a table of fries at Five Guys and I was having a good time. I had a good time. The whole trip was fantastic. I could not have asked for more. Except, you. But the truth is, I wouldn’t be there if you were here. I wouldn’t have had such close bonds with your family, with some of your friends, if you were here. It just wouldn’t have made sense for me to. Yes, I would ideally be close to your family, being your girlfriend and all, but we’ve come to terms with the fact that it just wouldn’t have been possible to be this close. If you were still here, I wouldn’t have had this much “alone time” with your mum, or your sister, or your grandma and grandpa, or T, or the dogs. I wouldn’t have been able to build the relationships I have with your family because I would have been spending most of my time with you. Yes, we would have still had a relationship, a good one (hopefully), but it wouldn’t have been to this extent.
I wouldn’t have been this close to L. We’d all have been close, but L and I wouldn’t have had enough “alone time” for heart-to-heart talks because our relationship would have remained as lighthearted and jokey as it was when you were around. This is not to say that we couldn’t have had heartfelt conversations with you, but it just wouldn’t have been intuitive to. And, we’d be in our own bubble as we always were and not have enough for others. That’s the truth.
The same goes for S, and your other friends that have become mine. S and I also had this conversation a while ago. We were talking and concluded that we wouldn’t have the relationship we do if you were around. To be close with my boyfriend’s friend? Would have been so weird were the circumstances any different. But I’ve had the most pleasant, heartwarming, thoughtful (and more) conversations and memories with S that I would not want to let go of. That just wouldn’t have existed if things were different.
And that’s what I have been struggling with. It’s awful to think that it took losing you to gain these. Would I have had these relationships if you were around? No. But do I want you around? Yes. Of course, yes! But does your presence mean that I have to let go of the relationships I have built with all these people I’ve come to love and cherish? And if I don’t want to let go of these relationships and memories, does that mean I wanted you to go? Obviously, no. But that’s such a tough fact to deal with. Because the truth is, the two can’t coexist. Like I’ve said multiple times now, it would have been different if you were here. I can’t sit with the fact that I wouldn’t have these people and memories and laughs if things were different, but I wish things were different, but I don’t want things (my relationships now) to be different. I can’t have it all.
Graduation made me think of that. Look at me, the narcissist. I had a great time at graduation and you weren’t there. If you were, would you be sitting next to me? Things would have been different, which would mean it could have been better, or it could have been worse. That’s just the objective and logical view. Different doesn’t always mean good or bad. It’s just different. And I miss you, but I also love the moments and people I’ve come to love. It’s so conflicting.
If you were here I wouldn’t have laughed so much with K and D at graduation. If you were here I wouldn’t have flew to London for your sister’s graduation. I wouldn’t have painted her graduation nails, or did face and foot masks with your mum and sister, or walked 20k steps with them daily. I wouldn’t have had good memories with L and S and everyone I’ve come to know since you’ve been gone. I wouldn’t have built puzzles with your mum or met Auntie K, or Auntie A, or Uncle H, or any of your kind relatives and their kids. I wouldn’t have had a lot of what brings me joy in my life right now. But I would have had you. It would have been different, good or bad. I can’t help but still miss you. Despite all of this. Despite all the good things I cherish, I still miss you. But if you were to ask me to give it all up, I’m not sure I would.
These thoughts occur with another: I’ve known these people longer than I’ve known you. What an awful thought. It might not feel like that on some days; I still feel closest to you. But on other days, it hits that I’ve known them, and will know them, for longer than I’ve known you. Like your sister said, we’ve built a relationship beyond just Joshua. At first, it was centered around you. Now, I love and cherish them beyond their relationship to you.
I’m not saying – I have to say this, in case people mistake my words – that I’d choose to give you up to keep them, or vice versa. It’s just the way life is, isn’t it? I can’t have everything and this is what I have. I could have more, but I’m content with what I have. I have quite a lot. I love quite a lot. Some people aren’t this lucky.
Can’t wait to see you again, I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, and I’ll miss you more than you can imagine.
Love always,
Sha
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